A College Student's Letter Home

 Date: ___________
 Dear Parent(s),
 I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
 interest to both of us.
 Please send:
 __ Money (Cash)! Amount: $_______
 __ Food (Cookies)! Dozens: ________
 __ Clean clothes!
 __ What?
 __ I am in love with myself
 __ I am in love!
 __ I am engaged
 __ I got married last weekend
 My Roommate: 
 __ Worships the ground I walk on
 __ Gave me a black eye
 __ Committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason
 __ Is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed
 __ Has fleas
 My Professors are: 
 __ Sadistic water walkers
 __ Mental institution escapees
 __ Brain dead nerds
 __ Super oxygen thieves
 Latest News: 
 __ I wrecked the car
 __ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the credit limit
 __ You are going to have a grandchild
 __ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild
 __ Is great!
 __ Even makes me appreciate your cooking
 __ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals
 __ I am making all A's
 __ I am not being properly challenged
 __ I will be home after this semester
 I study: 
 __ Night and day
 __ All the time
 __ 80 hours a week
 __ Only on Sunday afternoon
 __ None of the above
 Daily Devotions: 
 __ I read my Bible everyday
 __ I can't read
 __ Someone stole my Bible while I was at one of the local bars
 On my last visit home, I left: 
 __ My glasses
 __ My paper that was due yesterday
 __ The clothes you washed for me
 __ My (girlfriend's) birth control pills
 __ The check to cover my delinquent tuition payment
 __ Other _____________________________________________
 Please send above items by Federal Express (Priority One) or UPS (Blue) 
 __ My white underwear is now _________________
 __ I am saving money by not using detergent
 __ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
 __ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
 My room: 
 __ Can pass your "white glove" test
 __ Is only _____% full
 __ Could not be located last Saturday night
 __ Was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
 __ I don't inhale
 __ I only go to meet people
 __ Haven't been to one since this morning
 Hope you: 
 __ Miss me
 __ Can live without me
 __ Are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
 __ Your Daughter,
 __ Your Son,
 __ Yours,
 Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)