Ideal appearance: The one thing you need to be as a second row player is big. It's handy if you are big and fat, but being big is often good enough. The
other distinguishing feature of second rows is that they tape or bandage their ears. This is to stop the back of their ears getting split when they pull out of the scrums too quickly. Other posers (like props and flankers) who tape their ears do so because they like dressing up.

Typical conversation: Most of the after game talk is taken up with finding out what happened during the game. Most spectators are closer to the play than the average second row, and a short-sighted player might not even know which side he was playing against.

Advantages: No need to run and tackle. You are encouraged to drink a lot to keep your body weight up.

Disadvantages: You should really try to push in the scrums and wave you arms about in the linouts.

Props:

Officially, there are two props on every team, but as it is the one position that you are never allowed to retire from, this can lead to a surfeit on many sides. When players are in short supply, teams have been known to play with eight or nine props filling every position from wing to scrum half. There are two types of props, the tight head and the loose head. There is a rumor that this has to do with which side of the scrum they stand on, but in fact it has more to do with a physiological problem that afflicts their necks. Their job is basically quite simple. They stand on either side of the hooker in the scrum and hold her up. To listen to them however, you would soon gain the impression that propping, as a science, is only slightly less complicated than landing a Concord. They also stand near the front of the linout and assault anyone from the opposing team foolish enough to try to jump.

Ideal appearance: props can be virtually any height from 4-7 feet, although small props are very popular. Small props will often tell you that a good small prop will always be able to get under a big prop. What this means is that big props will fall on small props and break their ribs. They can be anyage from 20-60, although 40+ is common. The common denominator is that, without fail, they will be anything from 20-200 pounds overweight. This is called giving the scrum solidarity and is based on the theory that the other team will tire from having to push that much fat around. Because of their weight problem, they are excused from running, pushing and jumping. If they are involved in a ruck or maul, it is usually by accident.

Advantages: No running or jumping required.

Disadvantages: Playing in the front row hurts a lot.

Eight:

The number eight is the one that pushes in the middle of the back row and locks the whole pack together. This is why she is called the number eight. It remains the same even if teams number themselves in reverse order or use letters. The number eight also jumps at the back of the lineout. This involves standing, waiting for the ball to bounce off the hands of one of the second rows and fall into her arms- one of the more impressive moves in rugby. There are several disadvantages to playing this position. You are supposed to push in the scrum, control the ball coming out of the scrum and even sometimes pick it up and run with it. The number eight is also part of the back row so is supposed to run around the pitch tackling people. Luckily, most number eights ignore such nonsense and stroll around the park at about the same speed as the second rows.

Appearance: The get this key position, you have to have to correct attributes. You should be at least 6 foot, and 200 pounds. Quite why there are so many 4 foot 100 pound number eights is, therefore, a bit of a mystery.

Conversation: The number eight will spend the whole evening after a game trying to figure out why none of the back row moves worked out. In fact, its because back row forwards are congenitally incapable of remembering codes and carefully crafted moves. Most have difficulty remembering the words to Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, but you can never seem to convince a number eight of this.

Advantages: You have the chance to see a lot more of the game than the seconds.

Disadvantages: If you did all the things you were supposed to do, you would drop dead with exhaustion. Even when you retire, you are supposed to stay thin and wiry.

Scrum half:

The scrum half forms the vital link between the backs and the pack. As such, he is the player most likely to get tackled. Speed and agility can make a difference of course. If he has these qualities, he becomes the player most likely to get late tackled. He has to put the ball into the scrum in such a way that the first person to touch the ball is the second row of his team. He can then take the ball out of the scrum assuming that it came out where he expected it to (unlikely) and that the number eight hasn't pinched it first (highly unlikely). As if he didn't have enough problems, he is the person the forwards try to slap the ball to in lineouts. To understand what this is like, imagine trying to catch a high pop fly in baseball while standing in front of a herd of wild buffalo. If that sort of thing appeals to you, you have the makings of a scrum half. As the only people in the pack who know what it feels like to have a rugby ball in their hands, the greedy little rats usually go on to take quick penalities, drop outs, kicks for touch, argue with the referee and drink most of the jug after the game.

Typical appearance: It is possible to have a tall scrum half, just unlikely. For anyone big enough to play in the forwards, it is much more fun to stomp over the opposing scrum half than being stomped on by eight hairy forwards. Scrum halves are yusually small, wiry and bruised.

Typical conversation: Scrum halves talk about rugby all day, everyday. Well, you'd have to be enthusiastic to play in that position, wouldn't you?

Advantages: For a player, being the scrum half means that you are the pivot around which every move is made. For the bluffer, there are no advantages in being a scrum half.

Disadvantages: For a full list, read "9,000 reasons for not playing scrumhalf:, published in 6 volumes.

Fly Half:

The stand off or fly half or the *&%%%&* who kicks the ball every time he gets his hands on it is the next link in the chain between the forwards and backs. As such, he is shunned by both. As a group, stand-offs are not friendly to anyone either-getting a reputation for being stand-offish. He is the first player to receive the ball from the scrum half at scrums or lineouts (in the event that the forwards actually win the ball, of course.) He is also the one player with a special hatred of ever attemptiong to pass the ball. Anyone with difficutly passing the ball could therefore try ths position although there are some obvious disadvantages. These disadvantages usually take the shape of two psychopathic flankers. It appears that stand-offs are also the only people on the pitch excused from tackling. Advanced bluffing stand-offs actaully need to be quite nimble on their feet to get out of the way of any opponents running towards them with the ball in their hands.

Appearance: Selectors try to choose a tall thin stand-off. This is simply to make the little, dumpy scrum half he is standing next to, look silly.

Typical conversation: Stand offs spend every Saturday evening trying to explain to irate centers why they kicked every time they got the ball.

Advantages: You don't need to pass or tackle.

Disadvantages: Psychopathic flankers. Some flankers have been known to late tackle the fly half three days after the game.

Centers:

There are two center positions on the pitch. The inside center runs about the center of the pitch shouting at the stand off "If you'd have passed to me, I'd have been in" every time the fly half kicks. The outside center has similar duties, except he has to yell at the inside center. An inside center may specialize in the crash ball, where he runs at his opponents head first. This is by far the most successful play that can be used by any bluffer's side because:
a. it drastically cuts down on the chances of the backs dropping the ball
b. the forwards don't have far to run, and
c. you can play one of the six spare props as a center.
The main disadvantages with the crash ball is that if you are playing against a bluffing center, he will probably jump out of your way and you may have to run quite a distance before anyone tackles you.

Appearance: Centers should be tall, dark, handsome, and fit looking. That is perhaps why the position seems to appeal to small, squat people with beer bellies.

Typical conversations: A centers conversation is the rugby equivalent of the Fisherman's 'one that got away'. Topics include the 100 best tries I could have scored, and 101 things to do while waiting for a pass.

Advantages: Pick the right stand off and you never need to worry about getting tackled.

Disadvantages: If you ever do get the pass, you are so surprised that you don't know what to do with the ball.

Wing:

In a perfect world, wingers would be thin, lithe, and exceptionally fast. In most club rugby, wingers are the people that are left over when everyone else has been given a position. In the top flight clubs, it may well be worthwhile to have someone fast on the wing. But in the grass-roots rugby, the likelihood of the ball getting to the winger without being dropped or kicked is so remote, no team would think of putting a player there. In the lower reaches of rugby, a winger is exactly the same thing as a spectator, except you get to wear a jersey and you can't yell at the ref.

Conversation: No one really knows what wingers talk about. It is presumed they are pretty philosophical. Standing about with nothing to do all day is inclined to make you think deeply.

Advantages: none

Disadvantages: On some pitches, your small frame can get caught in the mud.

Full Back:

The full back is often a rather pathetic, lonely soul. It is his responsibility to be the last person to miss the tackle before the other side scores a try. If the game is going well, everyone forgets he is there. If it is going badly, he takes the blame for not being able to tackle all of the seven players running towards him. It is vital that he should be 'good under a high ball.' To most full backs, that means saying their prayers while waiting for it to come down. It is also important to shout "Mark!" as the high ball slips through their arms and bounces of their knees into the arms of an opposing center. As if that wasn't enough, they often want the resposibility of missing the place kicks as well. The full back is no better off when playing for a good team. He may not have to do so much defending,
but the team will expect him to come in as an attacker. The average player would need to lie down and dab lavender water if he had to run from the full
back position into the line. If he then had to start sprinting towards the line, it would just take all of the pleasure out of the game.

Appearance: As few players actually know they have a full back, there is little attention paid to what their full back looks like. To flankers, the opposing full back looks a little like a baby deer caught in the headlights of a speeding car.

Conversation: They are usually with the selection committee, and start "I was wondering if next week I could get a game as the wing?"

Advantages: If you don't like your teammates very much, you don't have to mix with them.

Disadvantages: As the player furthest back on the pitch, you don't have anyone to pass the ball to.

Line Outs:

A Line Out happens after a back kicks the ball out of the field of play in the mistaken belief that this will prevent the flanker tackling her.

The two sets of forwards line up beside each other, staring menacingly at their opponents-this is important. A player on the side that has to put the
ball into the line out shouts out a code involving 14 numbers and three random words. This is the lineout code and is loosely based on the kinds of German codes during world war 2. This does not take into account that the average lineout jumper wouldn't grasp the fact that the ball was being thrown to her if the line out call was "The ball is going to be thrown to you, Betsy, okay?" The real purpose of lineouts is so that hookers and jumpers can blame each other for losing the ball. The hooker then throws the ball to one of her players, and looks hurt when the ref gives the other side a free kick for "Not straight". At the more advanced levels, lineouts become a fascinating tactical battle. They are virtually a game within a game working on a very similar set of rules to volleyball, but without a net. the major difference is that volleyball players are supposed to slap the ball to the ground in their opponent's court. In contrast, rugby forwards try to knock the ball on their own side just far enough from their scrum half to ensure she has no chance of catching it. In the lower echelons of the sport, play is often simplified, with players confining themselves to elbowing their opponents in the ribs and pulling jerseys during lineouts. They are so occupied in this pasttime that possession of the ball is only decided when it bounces off someone's head and goes to the otherside.