B. Student Evaluations: Attach all course evaluations for the year, excluding comment sheets. The numbers are all anyone reads. For evaluations, on a typical five-point scale, "above average" means a score of 4.2, since that is the university-wide average. And we want everyone to be above average. (On the other hand, half of any group is, by definition, "below average." I might have to get back on this one!)

C. Thesis and Dissertation Committees: Include name of candidate, student progress, date completed (if applicable), and degree. Also indicate if you have dated the candidate, if the person baby-sits your children, painted your house or changed your car's oil.

D. Academic Advisory and Counseling Activities: Describe and explain why you were spending time acting as if you care about students instead of writing research papers.

E. Participation in Special Programs and Seminars: Give title, name of organization, date, and type of participation. The title itself should sound impressive so your administration can boast about the wonderful job you performed.

F. Textbooks Published. Indicate title, edition, date of publication, and your role as author, co-author, editor, contributing author, or plagiarist. Also note your income from the project, amount kicked back to your department head, amount of free work squeezed out of graduate students and the amount paid to ghost writers.

B. Scholarly Books and Monographs Published: Indicate title, edition, publisher, date of publication, and your role as author, co-author, editor, contributing author or typist. Also indicate number of pages, number of words per page and number of letters per word, with each divided by number of authors.

C. Papers Presented at Academic Meetings: Indicate title of paper, name of meeting, and its date, as well as if you attended the meeting, if you attended the session with your paper, and if anyone bothered to attend the session who was not on the program.

D. Other Published Works: Keep in mind that anything published in the popular newspapers or magazines counts as a negative, reducing the valued count of research. After all, only non-academic people would read those articles.

E. Research in Process: List all ongoing work you are doing, thinking of doing, talked of doing with colleagues, could be doing, or might do if you think of it.

F. Disposition of Prior Research: For all research reported "in-process" on prior-year report, indicate the progress or outcomes achieved in the current evaluation period. Reference items appearing under "works completed." If not completed, point fingers and lay blame. It is suggested that you blame people who were recently denied tenure or who announced they accepted other jobs, since no one would defend them.

G. Research Funds Generated for the College: List contracts and grants, as well as proposals written and submitted. Indicate dollar amount of grant and total funds claimed by university for overhead. This might eventually line the school's pocket but does not count one whit toward promotion, tenure or a pay raise.

B. Special Institutional Assignments Not Reported Elsewhere: e.g., faculty or student recruiting, sponsorship of student organization, organizing special lecture series, etc. You can list it, but the administration will ignore it. It is hoped that you enjoyed yourself.

C. Active Participation in Professional and Honorary Organizations: List memberships, offices held, committees, editorial responsibilities, refereeing, and why anyone should care.

D. Honors and Awards: List name of award, conferring agent, and date received. These are great since they make the university administrators look good. (Two or three administrators are probably in the reward picture, though they had nothing to do with your performance.)

E. Other: Indicate anything not included above which you believe should be considered in evaluating your performance. Remember, bilge, bunk and trivia should be maximized here, because you are just padding by this point, anyway.